


Not Going Anywhere

by Midnight_Snow (SparkyCola3)



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Bad Language Blame Todd, Cinnamon Roll Dirk Gently, Dirk Needs Sleep, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventually but first Grumpy Todd, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Post-Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Farah, Protective Todd, Sleep Deprivation, So do I but I can't stop writing about Dirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26996824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparkyCola3/pseuds/Midnight_Snow
Summary: After pissing Todd off a few times in a row, things come to a head: Todd yells at Dirk, and Dirk considers whether he's really cut out for all this friendship stuff after all. After Farah puts things into perspective, Todd makes amends and Dirk opens up about his life before Blackwing, and Todd helps him finally get some sleep.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	1. Small Fires with Big Flames

"No! Switch it off- you can't put metal in the-"

Todd watched helplessly, unsure whether to stop the microwave or just stand as far away as possible as it sparked alarmingly. With one final bolt of electricity which threw the room into darkness, the microwave caught fire with alarming speed.

Dirk jumped, panicking slightly, and threw a tea towel over the fire batting at it frantically until it went out.

"Dirk, Jesus, don't you know how microwaves work?" Todd asked in annoyance to the now darkened room. "What, they don't have microwaves in England?" Todd snarked, flicking a lightswitch ineffectually, and sighing loudly. Great.

Dirk scoffed. "I think you'll find we _invented_ them!"

"... No you didn't"

"Well if we had they'd be less of a death trap" Dirk muttered.

"Don't blame the microwave for something that is totally your fault - and you shorted out the electricity in my whole freakin' apartment!"

"Yes but you have to admit we've been in worse jams than this in the past so if we just remain _calm_ -"

"DON'T tell me to remain calm, Dirk. It's been a long day and I'm tired, I just want to eat and go to bed and you - not for the first time I might add- you have just trashed my apartment"

" _Trashed_ is a bit strong don't you think?"

"Just STOP talking right now. We're going to your place."

"Oh, well, I mean..."

Todd's tone took on an icy aspect "I'm sure you'll agree that it's the least you can do" he said.

"Right, yes, of course."

Todd packed some things and followed Dirk to his apartment on the next floor, muttering along the way.

"Unbelievable, the number of times I've let you stay at my place and you _hardly ever_ let me in to your perfect, spotless apartment..."

When they got in and switched the lights on, Todd noticed for the first time that Dirk was grimy with smoke soot, and had minor burns on his hands as he made for the kitchen.

"I won't mess it up this time, I've learned from-"

"NO. No." Todd sighed. "I'll do it, if you try you'll probably blow up the whole building."

Dirk looked a little offended at that but wisely said nothing.

"And run your hands under some cold water or something"

Dirk looked at his hands like he'd only just noticed and nodded. "Right. I'll just... go to the bathroom" he said, hoping to avoid getting in Todd's way as he reheated some food for them.

When he came out he was cleaner and had gauze wrapped lightly round his hands.

"I'm sorry about the apartment Todd. We'll fix it... _I'll_ fix it" he corrected. "I'll buy you a new microwave or - or you can have mine" he offered.

"I don't want your microwave Dirk." Todd said, still grumpy.

Dirk said nothing, aware that in this mood anything he said would only irritate Todd further.

After dinner Todd settled down onto the sofa with a sigh and drifted off to sleep.


	2. Feeling Trapped

The next morning, Todd was in a better mood; a good night's sleep had worked wonders and Todd was feeling more in a problem-solving mood than in a bitching-about-it mood. Dirk's clean, fairly new sofa was remarkably comfortable.

When he got up he couldn't find the detective anywhere in the apartment, so tried his phone.

"Todd? Uh, I'm in a... a bit of a situation" Dirk answered sounding stressed out. Todd immediately went on the alert.

"I had an idea last night - a sort of lead you might say and decided to follow it-"

"On your own?"

"It was 3 in the morning I didn't think you'd want to be woken up - but that's not the point, I went to the docks to see if my idea was right and, long story short, now I'm sort of trapped in a shipping container"

Todd closed his eyes with a sigh of despair.

"Fine. I'll call Farah and we'll come and...get you out."

"Please hurry I'm worried they might ship me off to Brazil at any moment and there are a lot of illegal substances in here with me I think I've been breathing them in too long already"

"Look, don't worry ok? Farah and I will be there soon, just stay calm until we get there. I'm calling Farah."

Todd rang off to call Farah and an hour later they were driving back. Farah had made short work of extracting Dirk from the crate, and had sent an anonymous tip to the police. The police could handle this part of the case now, and it would lighten their load a little to have the cartel distracted while they investigated the situation with the stolen feather, but still, Farah was not impressed with Dirk's reckless behaviour.

Todd said nothing, just listened to Farah berating Dirk at length about how stupid it was to follow a drug cartel in the middle of the night and how he could have gotten himself killed and why didn't he ever _think?_

Dirk looked so tired and miserable that he didn't say much in reply to this well-deserved telling-off.

Farah dropped them at their apartment.

\---

"I think Farah might be a little upset with me." Dirk said ruefully as he made himself a cup of tea and Todd an instant coffee, and sat down at the kitchen counter.

"So am I, and also this coffee is terrible" Todd said, pushing it away after one sip.

"I don't drink coffee..." Dirk said with a shrug. "And is this about the microwave thing or the shipping container thing? I'm starting to lose track..."

"There's a fine line between brave and reckless Dirk, and -"

"Is there?" Dirk interrupted, looking thoughtful.

"Ok...I was going to say you don't know where that line is, but apparently, you don't even know the line _exists_ which is definitely more worrying" Todd replied with a frown.

He rubbed his eyes with his fingers feeling a headache coming on. "This is like the Spring case all over again." he muttered and saw Dirk recoil at that slightly.

"I haven't lied to you Todd." Dirk said defensively.

"No, you've been _strategically no-truthing._ " Todd said bitterly _"_ We're supposed to be partners, Dirk!"

Dirk sighed. "Not this again..."

"Ever since you came back, you've been jumping a mile every time I or anyone else touches you, and when I try to ask about it you act like nothing happened."

Dirk blushed at this accusation but said nothing.

"And even after all this time there are still, _still_ things about the case you don't tell me about - like the connection between the cartel and the dock-"

"It wasn't like that Todd, I only thought of it last night!" Dirk interrupted hotly.

"Right. And what were you even doing awake at 3 o clock in the morning?"

Dirk looked down at the floor. "I just didn't feel like sleeping" he said, fidgeting slightly.

"Ok. Cool." Todd said, a little on edge. "And...the truth?" Actually you know what? It's fine. It's fine Dirk - I mean, you know all my shit, my life history, every shitty thing I've done, you know all my family - you're friends with my sister, you've met my parents, I don't even know if you HAVE any family Dirk. Or if you don't, I have no idea what happened to them."

Dirk flinched slightly at that, but it only proved Todd's point in his mind. He continued, getting angrier as he went, working himself up into a rage.

"Do you have _any idea_ how HARD I find it to open up to someone? To - to let someone in? To share how I really feel about all this terrifying crap you put me through on a regular basis with cases that are weird and dangerous and almost always life-threatening - and I don't know _anything about you_. You still hide EVERYTHING from me Dirk. I have no idea about your life except for some vague and mysterious snippets of information that you literally couldn't avoid telling me about. You don't tell me when you're going out to do some crazy dangerous shit in the middle of the night, you don't tell me why you were even awake, and after all the effort you made to make me your friend in the first place, all I want to know is _what the hell was the point?"_

Todd took a breath, exhausted from the rant. Dirk looked like he'd been kicked, and had the same vulnerable look on his face as when Todd had shouted at him and told him he was a monster.

There was a long silence where Dirk seemed to be trying not to cry, and Todd was regaining control of his breathing.

"You're right. I'm sorry." Dirk said, eventually, very quietly.

"I just - I can't deal with this right now - I need some space."

Todd left for his own apartment.

\------------

On examining the electrics he realised that the fuse box was fried, and had been in a dangerous state long before the microwave had tripped the circuits. Typical...he thought...Dirk's microwave incident might well have saved his life. God he hated how the universe messed with them sometimes. He booked an electrician for the next day and went out to buy himself a new microwave.

\-----------

Farah knocked lightly and entered Todd's apartment as he was installing the microwave.

"Farah, hey, anything new on the case?"

"No I just came to check in on Dirk but he wasn't in."

"Then you're not still mad at him?"

"I'm not mad, I'm worried. That's why I wanted to talk to him, to apologise for yelling and make sure he understands why I was upset."

"Oh come on, Farah, he's a fully grown adult. He just needs to learn to stop being so selfish" Todd said curtly.

Farah raised an eyebrow in surprise at his tone.

"Sorry, we just, we kind of had an argument earlier about the way he keeps hiding things. I just want him to open up and trust me like the best friend he keeps saying I am."

Farah looked at him thoughtfully for a moment before saying calmly: "Dirk isn't - he isn't _like_ us, Todd"

"Yeah I know the whole universe thing but-"

"No" Farah interrupted "No, I don't mean because he's... holistic - I mean because of the way he grew up. Dirk is so upbeat and excitable most of the time that it's easy to forget just how _dark_ a lot of his past has been. He literally grew up in a secret military prison where he was experimented on and sure, we don't know exactly what happened there, but we know that it _wasn't good_. You don't come out of that and expect there to be no long term consequences."

She was trying to be matter of fact, sensible Farah, but Todd could see the depth of the compassion she felt on her face.

"After that he was alone for years, and...look. Imagine doing the Spring Case, and the Cardenas case again, but this time completely on your own. With no one around to help. Because Dirk had been doing that for _years_ before we came along"

Todd frowned. It was almost impossible to imagine how terrifying that would be. He suddenly remembered digging for treasure on the Spring case, Dirk describing his life as being like the death maze. A series of life-threatening puzzles where as soon as you solve one, you go on to the next, until you die. It was bleak, and he'd thought at the time that it was unusually depressing from the idealistic detective, but he now knew that hope and optimism were defences that Dirk had built to try and shield himself from the relentless violence of the universe. It didn't mean he wasn't aware of how depressing his life was - far from it.

Farah continued.

"My point is- we have to cut him a break sometimes. He's going to make mistakes and get things wrong and find things hard that we find easy - and that's just the way it is, it's not his fault. Especially after...going back there again. He needs time to get used to having people who care about him in his life, he needs our support and for us to make him feel safe enough to trust us with things he's been carrying alone his whole life."

"You're right." Todd conceded. He winced. "And yelling at him probably didn't help make him feel like he could talk to me about any of that stuff." he closed his eyes. "I'm an asshole."

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad - and anyway I'm pretty sure Dirk will forgive you. What's the longest amount of time Dirk has ever stayed mad at you?"

Todd shook his head "I'm always the one mad at him. And it's not like I'm such a perfect friend it's just... "

Farah nodded. "I get it: anger's your thing, not Dirk's. It's ok Todd, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. That's why we're better as a team. And before you say it, yes I know I'm right."

Todd smiled. "Thanks Farah."


	3. Stay

Todd let himself into Dirk's apartment and had a shower, having missed one from the morning. When he got out, Dirk had returned.

"Would you...like a coffee?" Dirk asked tentatively, testing the waters.

"No thanks." Todd said, remembering the one from before. "Maybe a tea though?"

"Certainly" Dirk said, unable to hide the hope in his voice that this might be an olive branch, as indeed it was.

Todd finished towelling off his hair and wandered over just as Dirk had finished pouring, and pushed the mug to him.

"Thanks" Todd said.

As Todd went to take the tea from him, their fingers touched slightly, and Dirk flinched. The movement jolted the tea which spilled onto Todd's hand, scalding him.

"Oh- I'm sorry" Dirk said

Todd went to wash it off "It's ok it was just... shit" he said, watching his hands turn red and start to burn "Shit shit no, damnit..." he started to cry out in pain and the next few moments were a haze of agony as Dirk got him his pills in a state of general panic, and then got him to the sofa to lie down and recover.

He fell into an exhausted asleep.

\---------

Dirk paced up and down in his room, wiping tears away.

"Stupid Dirk, thinking this would ever, _could_ ever possibly..." he whispered angrily to himself. He shook his head, knowing that if he woke Todd now he'd only feel worse, and stopped pacing.

He sat on the floor in a ball, thinking for a long time and sobbing at intervals.

After a while he got up and packed his scant belongings into a backpack.

\--------

When Todd woke up the next morning, he found Dirk sitting in an armchair holding a packed bag to himself somewhat protectively.

"What's going on?" Todd asked, sitting up wondering if it were case related.

"I just wanted you to know that, you can have my apartment...since I broke yours." Dirk said, and Todd saw how red Dirk's eyes were, and the dark circles under them. For a moment he froze. Had he done this?

"What? No - you don't have to do that, really it's..."

"I've decided that it's probably time I...went home."

After spending so long thinking of this as Dirk's home, it took Todd a moment to realise he meant England.

"I thought I could do it, but I can't." Dirk said, voice trembling slightly as he looked down at the bag. "I'm just not cut out for friendship. I'd hoped I wouldn't be such a terrible friend but I suppose it's just not what I was...made for." his expression wavered slightly as he said it, visibly clamping down on the tears and despair that threatened.

"You were right...before, when you said I didn't deserve to have friends. I just mess everything up. Anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye. You deserve that. And to thank you for putting up with me for so long. It meant a lot to me Todd. More than you could ever know, really."

Dirk couldn't look at Todd as he said this, if he had, he wouldn't have seen Todd's eyes welling up with tears of his own.

"Dirk, please don't go - I, shit...I really made you feel like that didn't I?" he asked, suddenly repulsed with himself. "Jesus I really fucked this up"

Dirk looked at him uncomprehendingly.

Todd tried to do damage control. "Please Dirk just - don't go? You're not the shitty friend, I am. I'm so, so sorry I yelled at you the other day."

"Everything you said was true."

"Even if it was I shouldn't have yelled. I never meant to bully you into sharing things about yourself, that's...that's an asshole move and I'm trying not to be an asshole these days. Thanks to you. I don't have any right to make you talk about things you're not ready to talk about."

"You have every right Todd. It's like you said, you've told me all about your life and-"

"No, no it's... it's not the same. I haven't lived through the same kind of trauma and that's- it's not even the point, it... it's all about how _you_ feel about sharing that stuff Dirk."

There was a pause as Dirk mulled over this.

"I want to. Really. It's just... difficult. And I'm not brave like you Todd."

"That's just...bullshit Dirk. You're the bravest person I know. Crazy brave." he added with a smile. "Wait..." Todd said with a frown. "You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Did you...sleep last night?"

Dirk looked distant, and from that spaced out look alone Todd knew the answer.

"The truth is...I didn't want to disturb you..." he admitted.

"By sleeping?" Todd asked perplexed.

"I tend to...wake up screaming a lot." Dirk said blushing red.

Todd felt his heart soften in sympathy.

"I have a lot of nightmares and then when I wake up alone, sometimes I think I'm back... _there_ and get scared and...I thought I'd got the hang of it but, after going back for a couple of months the nightmares have come back, and I know how important a good night's sleep is to you what with your condition, so I thought it best to just try and not make it worse." Dirk explained.

"By never going to sleep? How long did you think you could sustain that for?"

"I admit it wasn't a perfect plan. I suppose I was hoping that if I just fell unconscious at some point, I'd be too tired to dream of anything"

"Dirk..." Todd sighed in exasperation and rubbed his eyes, "You matter too. You get that right? Well obviously you don't or you wouldn't..." Todd sighed, trying to think of how to phrase it.

"I... don't understand." Dirk said cautiously.

"I know. Those assholes at Blackwing did such a good job of making you think that you're not important." Todd said angrily. "But you are. You don't have to suffer in silence. I'm your friend- I don't want you to _pretend_ you're not suffering I want you to come and talk to me about it so I can help you deal with it. Though I guess I haven't exactly been all that approachable lately..." Todd sighed. "Shit. This is all my fault."

"It really isn't." Dirk objected.

"Look I wasn't...angry at you." Todd explained awkwardly. "I'm just worried about you and because I can't seem to do anything to help, I get frustrated. And then I snap. But it's... it's not you ok? You're still my best friend - that's not going to change even if we have a fight."

"What about if I destroy your apartment (again), run off without telling you (again), get myself into a mess that you need to rescue me from, _again_ , and then spill hot water on you and trigger an attack?"

"They were all accidents - and you can't blame yourself for me having pararibulitis, it's not your fault. But yeah, even if you do all that, and more, I'm still gonna be your best friend."

Dirk said nothing for a moment, and out of the corner of his eye Todd saw him quickly swipe a tear away before standing up.

"Yes well perhaps I won't go back just yet." he put the bag down and went to the kitchen, reaching out for the counter to steady himself when he swayed for a second.

"You ok?" Todd said, going to his side.

"Got up too quickly." Dirk dismissed.

"Yeah or maybe it's not a great idea to go three days without sleep. Come on, just... a quick nap on the sofa and if it looks like you're having a nightmare I'll wake you up, I promise."

"Maybe for 10 minutes... wait, I have to tell you something first."

"Whatever it is can wait."

"No... it can't." Dirk objected, and Todd sat next to him on the sofa. "My father was killed in Kosovo when I was a baby and my mother emigrated to England as a refugee."

"Dirk you really don't have to-"

"I do, Todd. Just let me... say this. I didn't have any brothers or sisters. We lived in London and didn't have much money, but ...my mum...no matter how odd I was - no matter how much I scared the neighbours - she...loved me." Dirk said, voice trembling. He took a deep breath.

"When I was 7 there was a...an _incident_...that caught the attention of the CIA. I'll tell you about it some other time but for now all that matters is that involved a black book. That's why Project Blackwing used to be called Blackbook...I'm the reason they set it up in the first place, the one that started it all... that's why the Rowdies dislike me so much. If it weren't for me they wouldn't have been captured. When I was 8 my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and a year later she died."

The expression of barely suppressed pain on Dirk's face hurt to look at, but Dirk put a hand up to stop him when he opened his mouth to say something.

"That's when Mr Priest turned up and took me in. Colonel Riggins was running it back then, and he promised he would figure out what I was, exactly. Why I had hunches and what it all meant. He also promised to keep me safe...none of which he managed to achieve but I suppose it's the thought that counts."

Dirk sighed and rubbed his eyes with the balls of his hands before yawning.

"You deserve to know all of that." he said in a monotone, as though he barely had any energy left in him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, I've just spent such a long time trying to forget it all."

"I'm sorry." Todd said softly. He got a blanket from under the sofa and putting it over his friend. "I shouldn't have pushed but ...I am glad you told me. Get some sleep ok?"

"Just a power nap to..." Dirk fell into a deep sleep.

While Dirk was asleep he texted Farah.

_Todd: I'm an asshole, a bully, a shit friend, a fucking nightmare of a human being and did I mention a total asshole?_

Farah responded: _You're only some of those things_

A reference to an anecdote she'd told him about Dirk's terrible attempt to comfort her during the Spring case. It made Todd smile and then laugh quietly, releasing some of the tension. She messaged again

_Farah: How's Dirk? Everything ok?_

Todd watched his best friend and sighed. Dirk blamed himself for Blackwing being created. He remembered with a shudder when Dirk had declared that he 'deserved' to go back to Blackwing...and wondered if this was why he felt like that. It also explained why Blackwing seemed so fixated on Dirk in particular, he was their first.

_Todd: From now on I'm going to make sure Dirk's ok. Promise you'll always call out when I'm being an asshole_

_Farah: You know I will, and also when you're being too hard on yourself_

_Todd: If anyone tries to hurt him again, I'm gonna kick their ass_

_Farah: Get in line..._

Todd got himself some cereal and started to play a video game with the sound off, sitting on the floor next to Dirk.

After a while he switched his laptop on and found himself researching topics around childhood trauma and PTSD. He got so absorbed in the task that it startled him when Dirk moved on the sofa behind him and he shut the laptop with a guilty click. He wasn't entirely sure why...he just didn't want Dirk to feel self-conscious about his shitty childhood.

He turned around and saw Dirk stirring restlessly in his sleep.

Seriously? He thought, with all the shit the universe put Dirk through, couldn't it at least let him sleep? Dirk let out a tiny whimper that broke Todd's heart and he grabbed his hand.

"Dirk, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. Just sleep ok?"

But Dirk still jolted awake. He looked utterly exhausted but sat up anyway, looking at the clock on the wall which told him it was early afternoon.

"M hungry" he mumbled "n tired but I shouldn't sleep until sleep time."

He could barely keep his eyes open but Todd supposed he was right... it wouldn't be great to throw his circadian rhythm entirely out the window.

"I'll make some lunch."

He put the TV on and got up, at that point realising he was still holding Dirk's hand.

"Thank you Todd." he said, finally letting go. "You stayed." he said with a smile.

"So did you" Todd said, with relief. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note about the idea that Dirk was the one who inspired the CIA to start up Blackwing in the first place - I think it makes a lot of sense, in a lot of ways. 
> 
> In S1, there was an exchange with the Rowdies that made me wonder just what the history was between Dirk and the Rowdy 3 too, and I like to think this sort of ties up that loose end.
> 
> Amanda: Your friend, the Brit?  
> Martin: He ain't no friend of ours.


End file.
